Even Old New York was Once Old Dutch

Okay so I'm going to try this onesober....................................................
Sorry if I didn't get to everyone, but I had alot of UFCDVD's to plough through (Go Babalu!!)
So Chris Gets out of Rehab and..............................
With Chris getting out of rehab, his newly foundMuslimism,made things a little different - as Chris changedhis name to the more Islam friendly, Vorheis Bin Sheckky Jr.An odd place to do a first night of wacky Mental housefarce..the lobby of the biggest TGIFriday's in town. Gettingready for the show backsatge, Raph's korean wife, Tong Po-came by to serve him his divorce papers.
"

Laph, you reave me arone at home lile you go to New Yok. Idon't bereive it! I reave you. I get house,car andpalakeet.Good Day! I said Good Day!I am Tong Po!" Sheexcr....laimed.
Raph was crestfallen. He wept like an Irishman at last call.Chris...er, Mr. Sheckkky held him in his arms, and said hewas going to sing and ancient Muslim hymm about becoming afish salesman.



"My mother and father was a fish monger,Like Mother and Father were there B4,They walked with wheelbarrows, through streets wide andNarrows ,Crying - Cockles and Muscles... alive alive ooohhhh"


Rest of the cast joins in "Alive Alive ohhhh,alive aliveohhh Cockles and Muscles alive alive oooh"
Raph got his bearings back and was ready to preform. Howeverthe TGIF freezer over froze and the show had to be done in achilling -10 degrees celcius. The pre show music was changedto Foreigner's "Cold As Ice". The nympho scene had to belengthened considarably just to get the body heat flowing sothat Mr. Sheckky would not die of hypothermia. HilaryClinton was not allowed into the theatre, because herpresence would make the place just too dam cold.
We sent Kerri to break the news to her.
Kerri: Uh, sorry er.....Bill's wife....er. Mrs Clinton. Weare fulll, yeah that's it.....full
Hilary:ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Me want see show.Me crush on Darcy.He dreamboat!
Kerri:Nope, uh...full. I was just wondering,with you being aSenator,and Bill being a rock and rolll sex machine, Iwoudn't think you would have time to make his dinner. So, doyou just make them all on the weekend, and then freeze themor does he stay up late and wait for dinner or....what's thedeal with that. Hilary:ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
At that point ice lazers shot out of Hilary's eyes and frozeKerri in a solid block of ice.She stormed of to see "Bringin da noise, Bring in the Funk" Starring Randy Bachman andthe emaciated corpse of Former Talk About host and PrimeMinister Pierre "Rumples" Trudeau.
The nymphos had to take over in the boothe making for alighting freeforalll and brough ha ha ha. During the big endfight scene it was so cold, (How cold Was It?) It was socold that Mr Sheckky cut Darcy with his erect nipple,causinghim to bleed profusely - like a stuck pig, like someoneturned on a fawcett of blood. Mr. Sheckky slipped on thepuddle of raw, unbridled blood. He had to be rushed to alocal medical facility immmediately after the show.


In the meantime, and in between time....the Shockers werewithout a blowtorch to get Kerri out of the Hilary Ice BitchForcefield.So everybody went to the Hospital with Darcyexcept Raph and Jennette,who new the perfect replacement fora blough torch.....a "Six Pence None The Richer" Concert,who were playing across town at the Chili's. When theSPNTR'ers played their hit "Kiss Me" all the people in theaudiece turned to there lovers and just to be the tritethoughtless mouth breathing, USA Today reading, Budweiserdrinking,Gerund phrase using, sheep that they are- andkissed. Raph and Jenette the looked at each other awkwardly,both gave each other a little wink,and.......................................proceeded to robthe making outters blind with sly and swift pickpocketry.Andoff to the all night Blowtorch Boutique they went.

Will Kerri Be thawed out of Hilary's Icy Abyss?Will Darcy clot?Will Chris ever eat pork againWill the Catholic Church ever realize that She is a whorewho will Spread her legs to the highest Bidder (Nazis,theFrench...too soon?)
Find out, probably 3 or four days, I'd check about once aweek - and my birthday is comming up- remember I'm amedium,and am alergic to wool.
The Jim Beam bourbon factory was forged in 1897 whem JimBacardi and Beam Labatt fused there struggling distelleriesto form Jim Beam Kentucky bourbon. Making woman wearsunglsses all the time since 1897. Mel Gibson drank Jim Beamand blamed the jews for Fiddler on the Roof, claimed it wastoo long, like ray's johnson.

New York Daze

The shockers trip to NYC is wrought with wacky adventures and Chris hitting the sauce pretty bad. It goes a litle something like this....
Before embarking on a tour of NYC, "shock corridor" became the buzz of the New Jersey theatre scene playing to sold out houses in Trenton,Hoboken,and East Rutherford.Omar Yale Occidental Woodbine Byzantium Soppe Hellmuth Vandervan,wrote in the New Jersey newspaper of record, the "Hoboken Commercial Appeal" wrote, "My God, I will now have to poke my eyes out with long needles, because I will never see anything as glourious, nay vainglourious as that. There are not enough squids in the world the produce to amount of ink necessary to write beautiful things about this show."****(Four Stars"


Soon the cast was asked to appear on New Jersey's most popular mid-afternoon chat show, "Post Nooner with Joe Piscapoe" The show went reletively well with the cast being lithe and charming...all accept Chris Rean who showed up drunk as a skunk....wait that might be offensive...drunk as an Irish Indian, that's better(wahoo McDaniel, anyone, too soon?) He kept badgerring the host by yelling, "You were Eddie Murphy's bitch" and "I'm Johnny Barrett, and I've 9 inch junk."



Jen Ette tried to save the show by doing a helphul cooking segment baking her famous Mennonite Cookies,(the secret ingredient is pork), but the segment was ruinned by Chris who did something physically impossible with a bottle of canola oil.
After a tearfilled Intervention, Chris Entered the Elenor Roosevelt Rehabillitation Facility for Booze Hounds and Whoremongers for Sixty days. As a result the New York Shock Corridor debut.However,that did not stop other cast members from taking a bite out of the Big Apple.


Kerri-was discovered by a modelling agent whaen she was chilling at a White Castle. She would go in to dazzle the east coast as the "it girl" of the cutthroat world of ankle,shin and foot modelling.She was given freshest and hottest socks by designers, so she should would be seen wearing them at all the elite shindigs and soireees.But alas drugs,booze,and syphalis hit her at her peak, and her ankles got all swollen after an oxycontin overdose. She went on to tour High Schools and youth Groups with her story,and film an E! True Hollywood Story.


Darcy-being the angry young man that he is Darcy went on to participate in the seedy world of Underground New York fight clubs.He went to city finals at 3 am in Central park where he preformed the amazing feat of murdering four people,while singing a rousing version of "one night in Bangcock".He would never fight again prefering to star in a sucessful series of Underground fight club intructional DVD's.


Ross-relying on his law enforcement background went to bust crooked cops in New York's drug enforcement squadron. He went undercover, deep,so deep he didn't check in with his seargeant for months at a time. Was he on the take? or just trying to scrape the scum of the streets. Well, he was on the take too - and went on to use the dirty money and drugs to start various Gentleman's clubs and smoothie emporiums


Ray - became a sucessful satelite radio celebrity with his late night show "Moon Ray". The show struck a chord, few know why because all the show was Ray repeatingly singing Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get it On". It was probably his stories that got the show popular as he would air his grievences on the magical land of Dips and Bits named Tim Horton's and how the people of Manhattan would never see it until they gave him a canoe full of gold.
I'll get to the rest in due time; This blog is a tribute to Jacob "Jim" Beam whose bourbon helps us all get through the hulking morass that is our dail lives

The show of Shows

I'm in a play with these people, they're coll I guess - here's my passive aggresive take on them




Geroge


Papa Bear himself. Can't really mock him.So we will Move on.

Kerri: Official cast sweethart and Ms. Congeniallity. She's the kind of chick who every at Midnite of X-mas eve. Goes down to the local Jewish orphanage, and leaves 5 dozen kosher chocalate chip cookies and a 1 thousand dollar bill, rings the doorbell and runs away. But hides in the Bushes to see the Jewish nuns look of bewildermint.

Jennette(sp?) my feelings can only be expressed in limerick form:
She's an Altona hottie with a sweet German body;
why I like her I don't have a reason, but I like to keep her warm cause she's a Friesen
She's got soft Hands and placid neck
For the wedding my best man was Stan Kubacheck
She preached me the word of Menno Simmons,then she spread her legs and I bust her hyman
In Winkelr its hot, In Morden its tight;
Saturday Evening became a Menno-night
Fucking in January,Sucking in Junetook her to Steinbach for our honeymoon


Darcy:If one person could gather the charisma of JFK,Cary Grant,and former AWA World Tag Team Champion, The Crusher and magnify it expenentially by 12 you only recieve a fourth,nay, a quarter of Darcy's charisma. He looks cooler smoking than Humphrey Bogart and Tom Snyder combined. If God were an actor, it would be Darcy

Ross: Well, kind of like the dirty uncle who lets you see porn and drink gin. Gives you a fake ID-goes to Teasers's with you.You wake up in a Bourbonstreet Whorehouse - he gives you a fist full of fifties and mutters "Try Em All" He them convinces you that when he fought Chuck Norris on the Shores of England, it got so scared that it shat itself and produced Scotland. And the only man I never knew that in the Dying days of Andre the Giants life, wiped his ass with a curtain

Ray: The Suntan Superman. The man who has had more chicks than most of us have had hot meals.No one will ever smash a crutch on a metal chair like him. He confessed to me that his only weekness is taking cookies and and cash outside of Orphanages on X-mas eve - and he has knowledge of the complete Toby Keith Songbook

Sue- If I was ever raped, I mean really brutally raped, I would only discuss with one person, Sue.She would make sure to tell me that It wasn't my fault and give me a Werther's Hard Candy.And every year on that day,she'd send me an e-mail, with nothing in the body of the letter, just the Subject line would read. "Don't Stop Believing"


Chris- The Walking incarnation of the Marlborough Man and Buzz Lightyear rolled into 1.5. He's so tough he can peel a potato from 50 yards away just by looking at it.And a bigger schlong than Ray, not in length, but girth(like a clay flower pot)Oh dear look at my watch, time to join the Pepsi Generation.Generation Next.

Theresa- I'll never know whether she is an "Ainken Hart" a mild fan of Clay Aiken, only the albums and a few posters, would only drive up to 5hrs. To see him in concert, or a "Claymate" a devotee to Clay where she looks at some like the Muslims look at Mohammed, or like the Catholics look at money - and would drive unlimited distances,past various rifts in the space time continium to only hear one note from his supple virgin body.

Raph; Fat guy,obnoxious,coughed alot, queer????

Lisa - Blonde, I think like football?


More later
Jim Beam is the official bourboun of this blog.Because if its not Jim Beam, its probably battery acid.