hard part 2

"Check this out you animals" Angie shouted over the crowd. Jackie opened a bottle and wipped off the condensation slowly and phallically. she held it and she poured it down Angie's throat. Angie bobbed her haed as Jackie teased her with it. eventually Jackie stood side by side Angie and poured the drink over their faces and chests . They were selling bottles hand over fists. Jackie would always give me a free one. I must've downed five."Whatcha doing after" Jacke asked me. "Your mom" I said. "Hang with us" she commanded.

They mayhem went on until a man in a suit came by and said "Great job, ladies" and handed each of them a bigf wad of cash. The two left and got changed and then came back to me. Angie wore a sleek black mini-dress, showing off her authentic c-cup breasts. Jaxckie was dressed a touch classierwith a pin stripped jacket with ample clevage coming out the top and a short skirt. Like what a stripper would wear at the beginning of a sexy lawyer routine."Say you're a recored exec, BMG Canada - you're dressed the part" Angie told me confidently. We went across the street to a fancy hotel with a doorman. We went up to a large suite, and angie sweet talked the big bl;ack security guard. We went in. It seemed to a gathering of variopus people in the know as a Canadian Idol runer up's band was in playing the next night. I mingled , playing the part. Talking about how fifty cent loves Dr. Pepper and how Carmen El;ectra takes 5 hrs to grocery shop. I was quite charming. It was getting late. I could see Angie and Jackie chatting up the lead singer when the big black security guard stepped in and said "Ladies,the man needs his sleep, you can stay in the penthouse with our compliments and perhaps tommorow he can entertain you.

Mike wasn't the only thing that was hard..part 1

They're the are again. It was odd as to even why they were there. I guess it was a pride sort of thing, that they were in the high school equivilency night class that met twice a week at the community colege. They were obviously friends, perhaps best friends. One was a dark haired Italian looking beauty. Long black hair flowing down her athletic frame. Hard nipples poking through her white tank top. Her smooth thighs crossed as she haplessly text messaged away and clacked her gum. She had too much make on and was very sexy all dolled up. But you could tell by her facial bone structure she would look stunning no matter what. Sitting next to her was her. She had golden hair tied back in a pony tail She had an agressive sexy look and a body built for fucking. Stocky frame, big tities and a bubble butt. She was wearing a super tight Bon Jovi t-shiert and a jean skirt. They never paid attention. The Dark haired one, Angie haplessly txt messaging and doodling, while the suicide blonde, Jackie just slept. They would come into class, boasting about the previous nights night club activity, with their skimpy outfits. These were high maintenence uberbabes. It was like looking at a beer poster. "Cool us down with a cold one"
One Saturday night a few friends were going clubbing. That's not really my scene, but I was going to get a ride. I wore a snappy blazer/dress shirt/no-tie combo. I looked like the bad guy in a college sex comedy. I danced a bit but mainly sat in back booth a chilled.I noticed, mostly men flocking to the back wall. It was a mike's hard lemonade promotional table and they were giving away t-shirts and other chochkies. Who was operating the table but none other than Angie and Jackie. The were wearing matching bikini tops and hot pants. They were dripping with sexual energy. They were hooting and holleringnand laughing. Aftet the initial swarm died down ( there was always a gaggle around them) They noticed me and waved. We never really talked in class just sort of in passing. They beckoned me over and yelled over the club noise..."What the fuck you doing here muthafukah!" "Fuckning chicks in the bathroom after they're passed out" I shot back. "Shut up, fucker!" Angie shouted back in her low, husky almost gravely, sexy as hell voice" "Here-Freebie" said Jackie in her slightly higher pitched voice. I took the bottle and Angie over the table so her large breast rubs up against the cold wet bottle. She pulled back and her breast was glissening and her nipple was hard. I chugged my drink and was impressed by the whole sight and thanked God I was a man.

Even Old New York was Once Old Dutch

Okay so I'm going to try this onesober....................................................
Sorry if I didn't get to everyone, but I had alot of UFCDVD's to plough through (Go Babalu!!)
So Chris Gets out of Rehab and..............................
With Chris getting out of rehab, his newly foundMuslimism,made things a little different - as Chris changedhis name to the more Islam friendly, Vorheis Bin Sheckky Jr.An odd place to do a first night of wacky Mental housefarce..the lobby of the biggest TGIFriday's in town. Gettingready for the show backsatge, Raph's korean wife, Tong Po-came by to serve him his divorce papers.
"

Laph, you reave me arone at home lile you go to New Yok. Idon't bereive it! I reave you. I get house,car andpalakeet.Good Day! I said Good Day!I am Tong Po!" Sheexcr....laimed.
Raph was crestfallen. He wept like an Irishman at last call.Chris...er, Mr. Sheckkky held him in his arms, and said hewas going to sing and ancient Muslim hymm about becoming afish salesman.



"My mother and father was a fish monger,Like Mother and Father were there B4,They walked with wheelbarrows, through streets wide andNarrows ,Crying - Cockles and Muscles... alive alive ooohhhh"


Rest of the cast joins in "Alive Alive ohhhh,alive aliveohhh Cockles and Muscles alive alive oooh"
Raph got his bearings back and was ready to preform. Howeverthe TGIF freezer over froze and the show had to be done in achilling -10 degrees celcius. The pre show music was changedto Foreigner's "Cold As Ice". The nympho scene had to belengthened considarably just to get the body heat flowing sothat Mr. Sheckky would not die of hypothermia. HilaryClinton was not allowed into the theatre, because herpresence would make the place just too dam cold.
We sent Kerri to break the news to her.
Kerri: Uh, sorry er.....Bill's wife....er. Mrs Clinton. Weare fulll, yeah that's it.....full
Hilary:ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Me want see show.Me crush on Darcy.He dreamboat!
Kerri:Nope, uh...full. I was just wondering,with you being aSenator,and Bill being a rock and rolll sex machine, Iwoudn't think you would have time to make his dinner. So, doyou just make them all on the weekend, and then freeze themor does he stay up late and wait for dinner or....what's thedeal with that. Hilary:ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
At that point ice lazers shot out of Hilary's eyes and frozeKerri in a solid block of ice.She stormed of to see "Bringin da noise, Bring in the Funk" Starring Randy Bachman andthe emaciated corpse of Former Talk About host and PrimeMinister Pierre "Rumples" Trudeau.
The nymphos had to take over in the boothe making for alighting freeforalll and brough ha ha ha. During the big endfight scene it was so cold, (How cold Was It?) It was socold that Mr Sheckky cut Darcy with his erect nipple,causinghim to bleed profusely - like a stuck pig, like someoneturned on a fawcett of blood. Mr. Sheckky slipped on thepuddle of raw, unbridled blood. He had to be rushed to alocal medical facility immmediately after the show.


In the meantime, and in between time....the Shockers werewithout a blowtorch to get Kerri out of the Hilary Ice BitchForcefield.So everybody went to the Hospital with Darcyexcept Raph and Jennette,who new the perfect replacement fora blough torch.....a "Six Pence None The Richer" Concert,who were playing across town at the Chili's. When theSPNTR'ers played their hit "Kiss Me" all the people in theaudiece turned to there lovers and just to be the tritethoughtless mouth breathing, USA Today reading, Budweiserdrinking,Gerund phrase using, sheep that they are- andkissed. Raph and Jenette the looked at each other awkwardly,both gave each other a little wink,and.......................................proceeded to robthe making outters blind with sly and swift pickpocketry.Andoff to the all night Blowtorch Boutique they went.

Will Kerri Be thawed out of Hilary's Icy Abyss?Will Darcy clot?Will Chris ever eat pork againWill the Catholic Church ever realize that She is a whorewho will Spread her legs to the highest Bidder (Nazis,theFrench...too soon?)
Find out, probably 3 or four days, I'd check about once aweek - and my birthday is comming up- remember I'm amedium,and am alergic to wool.
The Jim Beam bourbon factory was forged in 1897 whem JimBacardi and Beam Labatt fused there struggling distelleriesto form Jim Beam Kentucky bourbon. Making woman wearsunglsses all the time since 1897. Mel Gibson drank Jim Beamand blamed the jews for Fiddler on the Roof, claimed it wastoo long, like ray's johnson.

New York Daze

The shockers trip to NYC is wrought with wacky adventures and Chris hitting the sauce pretty bad. It goes a litle something like this....
Before embarking on a tour of NYC, "shock corridor" became the buzz of the New Jersey theatre scene playing to sold out houses in Trenton,Hoboken,and East Rutherford.Omar Yale Occidental Woodbine Byzantium Soppe Hellmuth Vandervan,wrote in the New Jersey newspaper of record, the "Hoboken Commercial Appeal" wrote, "My God, I will now have to poke my eyes out with long needles, because I will never see anything as glourious, nay vainglourious as that. There are not enough squids in the world the produce to amount of ink necessary to write beautiful things about this show."****(Four Stars"


Soon the cast was asked to appear on New Jersey's most popular mid-afternoon chat show, "Post Nooner with Joe Piscapoe" The show went reletively well with the cast being lithe and charming...all accept Chris Rean who showed up drunk as a skunk....wait that might be offensive...drunk as an Irish Indian, that's better(wahoo McDaniel, anyone, too soon?) He kept badgerring the host by yelling, "You were Eddie Murphy's bitch" and "I'm Johnny Barrett, and I've 9 inch junk."



Jen Ette tried to save the show by doing a helphul cooking segment baking her famous Mennonite Cookies,(the secret ingredient is pork), but the segment was ruinned by Chris who did something physically impossible with a bottle of canola oil.
After a tearfilled Intervention, Chris Entered the Elenor Roosevelt Rehabillitation Facility for Booze Hounds and Whoremongers for Sixty days. As a result the New York Shock Corridor debut.However,that did not stop other cast members from taking a bite out of the Big Apple.


Kerri-was discovered by a modelling agent whaen she was chilling at a White Castle. She would go in to dazzle the east coast as the "it girl" of the cutthroat world of ankle,shin and foot modelling.She was given freshest and hottest socks by designers, so she should would be seen wearing them at all the elite shindigs and soireees.But alas drugs,booze,and syphalis hit her at her peak, and her ankles got all swollen after an oxycontin overdose. She went on to tour High Schools and youth Groups with her story,and film an E! True Hollywood Story.


Darcy-being the angry young man that he is Darcy went on to participate in the seedy world of Underground New York fight clubs.He went to city finals at 3 am in Central park where he preformed the amazing feat of murdering four people,while singing a rousing version of "one night in Bangcock".He would never fight again prefering to star in a sucessful series of Underground fight club intructional DVD's.


Ross-relying on his law enforcement background went to bust crooked cops in New York's drug enforcement squadron. He went undercover, deep,so deep he didn't check in with his seargeant for months at a time. Was he on the take? or just trying to scrape the scum of the streets. Well, he was on the take too - and went on to use the dirty money and drugs to start various Gentleman's clubs and smoothie emporiums


Ray - became a sucessful satelite radio celebrity with his late night show "Moon Ray". The show struck a chord, few know why because all the show was Ray repeatingly singing Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get it On". It was probably his stories that got the show popular as he would air his grievences on the magical land of Dips and Bits named Tim Horton's and how the people of Manhattan would never see it until they gave him a canoe full of gold.
I'll get to the rest in due time; This blog is a tribute to Jacob "Jim" Beam whose bourbon helps us all get through the hulking morass that is our dail lives

The show of Shows

I'm in a play with these people, they're coll I guess - here's my passive aggresive take on them




Geroge


Papa Bear himself. Can't really mock him.So we will Move on.

Kerri: Official cast sweethart and Ms. Congeniallity. She's the kind of chick who every at Midnite of X-mas eve. Goes down to the local Jewish orphanage, and leaves 5 dozen kosher chocalate chip cookies and a 1 thousand dollar bill, rings the doorbell and runs away. But hides in the Bushes to see the Jewish nuns look of bewildermint.

Jennette(sp?) my feelings can only be expressed in limerick form:
She's an Altona hottie with a sweet German body;
why I like her I don't have a reason, but I like to keep her warm cause she's a Friesen
She's got soft Hands and placid neck
For the wedding my best man was Stan Kubacheck
She preached me the word of Menno Simmons,then she spread her legs and I bust her hyman
In Winkelr its hot, In Morden its tight;
Saturday Evening became a Menno-night
Fucking in January,Sucking in Junetook her to Steinbach for our honeymoon


Darcy:If one person could gather the charisma of JFK,Cary Grant,and former AWA World Tag Team Champion, The Crusher and magnify it expenentially by 12 you only recieve a fourth,nay, a quarter of Darcy's charisma. He looks cooler smoking than Humphrey Bogart and Tom Snyder combined. If God were an actor, it would be Darcy

Ross: Well, kind of like the dirty uncle who lets you see porn and drink gin. Gives you a fake ID-goes to Teasers's with you.You wake up in a Bourbonstreet Whorehouse - he gives you a fist full of fifties and mutters "Try Em All" He them convinces you that when he fought Chuck Norris on the Shores of England, it got so scared that it shat itself and produced Scotland. And the only man I never knew that in the Dying days of Andre the Giants life, wiped his ass with a curtain

Ray: The Suntan Superman. The man who has had more chicks than most of us have had hot meals.No one will ever smash a crutch on a metal chair like him. He confessed to me that his only weekness is taking cookies and and cash outside of Orphanages on X-mas eve - and he has knowledge of the complete Toby Keith Songbook

Sue- If I was ever raped, I mean really brutally raped, I would only discuss with one person, Sue.She would make sure to tell me that It wasn't my fault and give me a Werther's Hard Candy.And every year on that day,she'd send me an e-mail, with nothing in the body of the letter, just the Subject line would read. "Don't Stop Believing"


Chris- The Walking incarnation of the Marlborough Man and Buzz Lightyear rolled into 1.5. He's so tough he can peel a potato from 50 yards away just by looking at it.And a bigger schlong than Ray, not in length, but girth(like a clay flower pot)Oh dear look at my watch, time to join the Pepsi Generation.Generation Next.

Theresa- I'll never know whether she is an "Ainken Hart" a mild fan of Clay Aiken, only the albums and a few posters, would only drive up to 5hrs. To see him in concert, or a "Claymate" a devotee to Clay where she looks at some like the Muslims look at Mohammed, or like the Catholics look at money - and would drive unlimited distances,past various rifts in the space time continium to only hear one note from his supple virgin body.

Raph; Fat guy,obnoxious,coughed alot, queer????

Lisa - Blonde, I think like football?


More later
Jim Beam is the official bourboun of this blog.Because if its not Jim Beam, its probably battery acid.